


The New Plug

by Saint_Lovejoy



Category: Dan Vs., My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Recreational Drug Use, Slice of Life, cringetober 2020, humanized mlp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27446002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saint_Lovejoy/pseuds/Saint_Lovejoy
Summary: Dan gets some money, buys weed from Pinkie Pie, hangs out with her weird friends."What kind of bullshit artwhore name is Pinkie?"
Relationships: Cheese pie in the background, Dan/Hortense mentioned, Zecority mentioned if you squint
Kudos: 2





	The New Plug

Direct deposit is a modern miracle!

It had been a long, lean time. Dan has had lean months before, but never so many, so close together. He got Chris to help him on rent for a little while. It was pretty obvious that Elise was more than willing to do so if it kept him off their couch. (She did, however, ask him if it wasn't kind of emasculating to have them pay it, to which he said the same could be said of paying out of spite. Then she told him to eat a breath mint.)

For everything else, he struggled. After burning through his meager savings, he found himself scrounging in fountains and delivering for grubhub. Most of the money went to utilities, while his diet was reduced to dollar menu burgers and top ramen. Two cigs a day, very little liquor, no comics, no data, and of course no movies. Mr. Mumbles got dollar store cat food if he couldn't pull some meat out of the dumpster behind Vons.

But it's all over now. His new job isn't where he belongs, but by Jove it's a job. And Dan needs money enough to devalue himself filing paperwork and running errands for the Los Angeles county library. 

When his first paycheck was deposited, he got all the 2nd string essentials: cat food, boxed wine, an AMC Stubs pass, and the good toilet paper. Now that the second check is here, it's time for some luxuries. (Chris and Elise can find out about the job later).

Dan hovers over the ATM on Rose st., twisting his neck to make sure nobody is approaching him. His phone buzzes. 

He yanks five twenties from the machine and jams them into his wallet along with his ATM card and the receipt showing his account balance. ($210.72)

He checks his phone.

NEW TEXT: Pinkie

** Yeah yeah ✌️ absofruitly! Biff says ur cool anyhow ✔️ **

** 1503 Sycamore. Turn east after u see the 🤡 **

Dan googles the address. It's just a 15 minute walk, plus he could stop at Valley Liquor (the store with the giant clown sign out front) on the way back. Good deal so far.

** There in 15 **

** 👌 **

He puts his wallet back in his backpack and takes a smoke out of a half crumpled pack of camels rolled in his sleeve. He lights up as he starts the walk.

When the money came in, Dan figured he'd buy an eighth or maybe even a quarter. Not just because he deserved it after being the whole damn city's whipping boy for so long, but because if you're gonna try to hook up with a teenage fast food employee, offering to smoke them up is the most effective course of action. It’s also the gentlemanly thing to do.

Back in that fat winter when he had steady income, Dan bought maybe a few grams a month from a fellow SAG-enrolled nobody named Biff. But when Dan texted him, he found out Biff is away on a gig and won’t be back in the valley till November. 

Biff was able to provide Dan with an alternate connection, though. 

"My buddy's girl Pinkie has the connect and she just moved to NoHo. I'll give her ur number." 

Dan received that text at 1am and heard nothing for a while after. Rather than ask Biff what kind of bullshit artwhore name ‘Pinkie’ is, Dan just hoped she would text him. The alternatives were either asking Chris about a hookup, thus revealing his employment status, or, gods forefend, actually going to a dispensary.

Dan does not patronize pot shops on principle, preferring to get his drugs from non government approved sources with no record of him and no cameras. And even besides that, the idea of going into one of those hipster petri dishes and talking to some ear gauge sporting layabout who calls themself a """budtender""" makes Dan's stomach crawl. 

At the ungodly hour of 7 this morning, the text came in.

** Is this Dan❓ **

He answered after waking up.

** Yes that's me. **

** Is this Pinkie? **

** Yep! 😄 You come highly recommended! [👍](https://emojipedia.org/thumbs-up/) 🏅 **

** Most people went off to the stores after prop 10 passed **

** I don't trust them. **

** Well Biff is proud you trust in us. Just ask him! **

** But 💁 what are you looking for today sir? **

** 8th of OG. What else do you have? **

** I have quite the variety of flower power. Kush and purps, 🌼 top quality US grown, O F C **

** girl scout cookies and just got blueberry cookies in [🍪](https://emojipedia.org/cookie/) **

** Superglue, 32%thc. More hybrids in throughout the month. Gonna get some AK47 and green crack on the 16th. Oh and I have dutch treat if ur into that sort of thing 😉 **

The interaction was off putting, sure. But as they texted on and off throughout the day, Dan reminded himself that it was either this or go to a store. It might even defeat the point of avoiding the budtenders, as it seemed like this ‘Pinkie’ was more enthusiastic to try and sell a "4-gram sample platter" then any dispensary worker would be.

Dan even fired off a quick text to Biff to subtly inquire if Pinkie's texting mannerisms were normal.

** Is she an unholy hybrid of human and barbie doll?  **

** If this is a low effort sting, i'm going to find where you stored your car and put sugar in the gas tank. **

But after being reassured, Dan hammered down products and a time with the mystery woman. 

The mystery is about to come to an end, though. Dan looks up from his phone to see 1503 Sycamore. The otherwise unassuming house has chalk artwork on the sidewalk in front of it.

Dan finishes his cig and drops the butt on a drawing of the earth cross-sectioned like a layer cake. He approaches and knocks on the door.

For about four seconds, there's silence. Dan is about to knock again when he hears footsteps. There's the sound of someone running to the door and it flies open to reveal what could only be Pinkie.

She's about his age and a little bit taller, only a couple inches. Curly fair blonde hair formlessly crowns her head. Her skin might have been pale once, but is a sun-kissed pink now. She wears converse and shorts and a T shirt in bright colors.

For a second she's quiet and Dan isn't sure if he should expect a hug or something else inappropriate, but she just smiles ear to ear and invites him in.

"Dan, right?" 

Her voice is as high pitched and singsong as he was expecting.

"And you couldn't possibly be Pinkie." 

His sarcasm is not lost on her. She laughs as she shuts the door behind him. "Let me know if you see any others!"

Dan scans the room, relieved to see that the interior design in the average weed dealer's house has not changed. The vaguely hazy living room has Smash for the Wii up on a big screen TV on a flimsy stand. A table in the corner is strewn with takeout boxes, blunt wraps, and what look like abandoned creative pursuits. And... is that a rubber chicken? The only difference is that the air smells like a bakery, with only a slight bottom note of sticky herb.

Two other people are in the room. A tall, slim guy in a bowling shirt and jeans is draped over the armchair by the table, one leg up, noodling with the accordion in his arms. his reddish brown hair is cut short in the back and longer in the front. A curly tendril falls between his eyes.

"This is Cheese." Pinkie gestures at him. "And Zecora." She gestures to the couch, where a woman is hunched over a notebook, scribbling. "Guys, this is Dan. He knew Biff."

Zecora looks up from her book and nods at Dan. She has ebony skin and is wearing a lot of tribal style jewelry, including dramatic hoop earrings. Her coily hair is pinned up at the top of her head in an approximation of a mohawk. She's clearly baked, trying to stifle a giggle.

"If those are your birth names, I hope your parents were punished appropriately," Dan says.

Zecora actually laughs at that, but Cheese didn't even seem to have registered Dan's appearance.

A timer goes off somewhere in the house. 

"Oh! My cakes!" Pinkie jumps. "Dan, I have to get these. Dan, you play with Zecora."She gives him a little push into the room before bolting off, trailing... "And take a sample before all the ice in the bong melts!"

Dan is annoyed. He is well versed in the etiquette of going to someone's home to buy grass, and part of the entire operation was that you had to hang out a bit. Play some Mario Kart and listen to the guy's gross girlfriend talk about her job. Unpleasant as it is, it's common fucking courtesy as far as Dan is concerned. People coming and going in under five minutes makes neighbors suspicious. 

Dan had cemented this position years ago, while forcing a very paranoid Chris, who was in the grips of several very strong edibles, to stay at Biff's so he and Dan could finish a heated Mortal Kombat tourney. Dan is not a mind changing type of guy, and he attached a 10-minute minimum stay to his pot runs ever since.

But these people... ugh.

Dan takes a couple steps into the room, about to follow up the name insult with some snide comment about the accordion, when Zecora pipes up from the couch.

"You'll have to excuse Pinkie's hype. / She's quite the excitable type."

Dan squints. "Did you just come up with that?"

"I’ve been writing couplets." She stretches and scratches her ear. "Just... about everyone." 

"Your meter is off."

"Uneven couplets," she remarks.

Dan's lip curls. "City full of classically trained actors and that's the best you can do?"

"Then why don't you give it a shot? / I'd sure like to see the best you got."

"About Pinkie?" Dan thinks a minute. "Is she like this all the time?"

"She very much is," Zecora chuckles.

Dan scratches his head. Zecora leans forward with a smug smile, chin on her palm.

"I have one."

"Let's hear it," Zecora smirks.

"Do not even imply I would say it out loud." Dan grabs the book and pen from the couch and scribbles in it.

"There you go. Good luck with the rest of your friends.”

Zecora takes the notebook back and reads what Dan wrote

_ Coffee and coke _

_ It's not what you think _

_ She's always been like that _

_ She's always been pink _

Zecora laughs again. "This is very appropriate. Impressive." 

"Yeah, I'm great."

Dan is interrupted from further bragging when Pinkie bounds back into the room. 

"Oki doki loki." She pulls Dan over to the table. and sets out the baggies. "OG Kush. And blueberry cookies (A fan-tas-tic choice, I might add)! And!" She proclaims happily as she pulls out a nug in a sandwich bag. "A gram of superglue on the house as a new customer bonus!"

She shuffles some of the various detritus on the table to the side, revealing an analog kitchen scale and a little set of weights.

Saying nothing but maintaining eye contact, Dan puts his backpack on a chair and whips out a folding portable scale.

Pinkie giggles as she graciously clears a spot next to her scale. 

"Biff told me you were very very careful!" Pinkie says, watching him weigh the first 8th. "That's the smart thing to do. My friend Twilight always says it's best to be prepared, and I say-"

Zecora interrupts her. "The man who brings his scale along / has naught to fear of any wrongs."

"That doesn't even rhyme," Dan hisses. "Honestly, you have just been disappointing."

It needs some work, I concede, but that's no reason to...." Zecora trails off, her brown eyes focusing and unfocusing.

Satisfied with the weight, Dan puts his scale back and gives Pinkie a wad of cash from his wallet before zipping the baggies into the laptop pouch of his backpack. "Thanks for the gram, Pinks."

"But that's not all!" She quickly counts the cash, then in a blink, swaps it into some hammerspace on her body and pulls out a little tupperware container and thrusts it into Dan's hands. 

He holds it up to the light. Inside is a cupcake in a dotted wrapper. It's topped with a swoosh of yellow and white icing and swirled candied lemon rind.

"OK-" Pinkie starts off excitedly. "I just finished those this morning. Lemon haze cakes! 65 milligrams in that puppy. If you don't want to eat some right now, you can freeze it and save the party for later! 

Dan considers it. This...this would be worth taking some Lactaid for. "That's pretty impressive," he concedes. "I feel like I should pay you."

"Don't! It's extra! I made my money back on this already." 

She's chattering so fast, Dan wonders how the others can deal with it while high. "In fact!" she continues, "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"I have to work." He hates how it sounds coming out of his mouth.

"Oh, that's too bad. So you should see this now!" She turns to address the rest of the room. "No spoilers for the rest of ya!"

When neither of them responds, she picks up the rubber chicken and hits Cheese in the head with it.

"Ow! Pinkie!" He rubs his head in mock pain before grabbing the chicken out of her hand. "I was onto something! You ever think about how long confetti lasts?"

"All the time," she replies quietly.

There's a brief pause in which Dan considers just noping out, but it ends quickly when Cheese hits Pinkie with the chicken. 

"Aw, I lost my train of thought!" he whines. "But I'm still thinking about bubble machines, so give me a minute here, Pinkie!"

"Let me know what you come up with," she says before turning to Dan. "You have to check this out."

She leads him out of the main room and into the kitchen. Dan doesn't even try not to look at her butt, but he tries not to make it obvious.

He has to look up as she shows him the spread, though. All over the kitchen, cupcakes are sitting in neat rows. The lemon ones are in line to be iced, with a small row of completed ones to the left of the island. On the counter next to the stove, unfrosted chocolate cakes rest on a cooling rack. And on another counter, the ingredients for batter sit next to a bowl and a defrosting chunk of cannabutter. 

  
  


"Are you sure you don't work for a dispensary?"

"Used to, but I work at a bakery now." She turns to him. My friends and I are having an edibles party tomorrow. $25 chip in each and everyone gets two cupcakes, then we're all gonna watch Wizard of Oz and listen to Dark Side of the Moon. It'll be a-ma-ziiing! 

"This is for the jalapeno cornbread muffins," Pinkie gestures to the ingredients gathered on the far counter, "And these are chocolate spice kushcakes! I have Ghirardelli frosting and I was thinking of garnishing the top with a little piece of shatter, but Cheese said that might be overkill."

"It is!" Cheeese's voice rings in from the living room, from where Pinkie's excited squeal is no doubt audible. 

"How many people do you all know?" Dan asks, eyeing the spread. "And how can you be sure none of them are narcs?"

Pinkie laughs him off. "I know my friends."

When he really thinks about it, Dan wasn't sure if it's even healthy to have that many friends, but maybe it's time to take this conversation somewhere else.

"Is Zecora seeing anyone?"

Pinkie's blue eyes flash to his. 

"Asking for a friend," he clarifies. 

"Well, you will have to ask her, but last I heard..." Pinkie scoots up next to him, pulling her phone from her pocket, "she was seeing a friend of mine. Let me show you a picture."

Before he can protest, Pinkie opens her phone to an album titled "BEST PHOTOS OF MY BEST FRIENDS"

She starts to swipe through photos, deliberately not so fast that he can't clearly see each one.

There is one of her standing next to an Asian girl about her age with glasses. They stood next to a sign proclaiming "WELCOME TO WEED, CALIFORNIA!" Pinkie is beaming and striking a pose, and the other girl looks embarrassed.

Another picture shows a fit girl with a rainbow haircut waving from a track field.

Another, Cheese and Pinkie in lederhosen at Oktoberfest. 

Pinkie jumping piggyback on another girl while in an apple orchard, while the girl in glasses takes a picture.

"Wait. Go back."

Pinkie obliges and flicks back to the previous photo.

"Is that Cheese... at the Apollo?" 

"Yep!"

"Unbelievable."

"I tell you, polka is not for everyone. But that's OK!" Pinkie continues flipping. A few more charming scenes pass by before...

"Here we are." Pinkie holds the phone aloft, showing a photo of Zecora and a pale, impeccably dressed young woman in front of a little boutique in some city. "That's Rare. She is quite glamorous, wouldn't you say so?"

"Her hair is tacky," Dan says. "Reminds me of my friends' wife."

Pinkie giggles as she puts away her phone. "She lives in Manhattan. Everyone is on the cutting edge there."

"Yeah, if this was 1961."

Zecora's smooth voice rings from the living room. 

"Pinkie if you're feeling nice / could you perhaps grab me some ice?"

"I am on it like wild on rice! Hehe! That rhymed too!"

Pinkie seizes a ice cube tray from the freezer before heading back to the living room, Dan in tow. 

She passes Zecora the tray and Zecora adds a few cubes to her water glass before pointing at the character select screen on the TV. 

"Now will one of you dare to challenge me / who is the victor, we shall see."

"Let meee hit this first," Pinkie replies, taking a brightly colored bong off the side table. She peeks into the mostly full bowl and brushes off a bit of ash. "This is Superglue, right guys?"

Cheese, who has gone back to the accordion, nods.

Pinkie dumps some ice into the neck of the bong. "This is your sample, come on, try it out."

Dan follows her to the back door. She slides the door open and they walk onto the patio. Sunlight dapples a mismatched assortment of lawn furniture through orange tree leaves.

"Pinkie, has anyone ever told you how bizarre this all is?" Dan throws himself onto one of the soft deck chairs.

"Nope! But you have to follow your dreams. That's what I always say. And that's what I'm doing. And it's great!" She sits in the chair next to him and puts the bong in his lap. "Here, I'll light you up." She waggles a mini torch lighter.

They both hang onto the bong and she puts the flame to the bowl. Dan tries as hard as he can to not be weird about it or stare too long at her big dinner plate eyes or anywhere else on her body, but as he takes the hit, he focuses on the smoke coming up through the multiple chambers of elaborate glasswork and ice till it dissipates as she pulls the bowl up.

He holds out as long as he can, but winds up coughing for what feels like a solid minute. Damn smokers lung. 

"Are you OK?" Pinkie pats his back nervously as Dan tries not to drool on the ground while doubled over. 

"I'm..." he breaks off to cough again. "Fine. Wugh."

"This baby packs a punch, doesn't she? Long beach Glassworks."

"Yeah, yeah, your turn," he demands, turning the apparatus around. 

She passes him the lighter. "I haven't had any indica in awhile," she chirps. "Body hiiiigh tiiime."

Dan lights the bowl and doesn't even have time to decide whether to stare. She takes the rip like a pro, only coughing a little on the exhale. She prompts him to light it for one more hit before clearing the bowl and blowing a cloud of smoke up to the trees.

"Wew!" she stands up. "Let's hit the couch. See why they call this stuff Superglue.

They head back inside. Pinkie flops on the carpet in front of the TV and Dan sits on the couch. 

"OK, we're playing Temple, get ready," Zecora declares, cycling through the stages with the controller. 

"You won the last 3 times, it won't make a difference," Pinkie says in a genuinely chipper tone. She takes one controller for herself and holds another one out to Dan.

As he raises his hand to take it, He feels the gravity in the room double, and his muscles soften and instead falls sideways onto the couch, head landing right next to Zecora's lap. 

Pinkie giggles. 

"I'll ... sit this one out," Dan says. "Temple is just a tool for anyone who uses melee to trap every other player. I've been saying that for years, you know..." He trails off. 

"Good stuff, isn't it? I'm feeling it too."

"Shh."

Zecora starts the game with Pinkie and, through the sound effects, Dan hears Cheese start playing The Entertainer. 

Maybe it's the setting sunlight coming through the window, or the comfort of knowing that he has a paycheck again, or being around a couple pretty girls, but Dan could swear that accordion almost sounds nice right now.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow my first work! Could count as a late #Cringetober fill, but I wrote it awhile ago for reasons. I hope someone out there enjoys this stupid stoner fic.
> 
> Thanks to POWERRR for beta reading <3


End file.
